Why I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever fit in in South Florida

24 Aug

1. Because this?

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Does not a skyline make. Looking at this gives me no warm fuzzies. Every time I look out the window and see this, exactly how much I miss Chicago punches me right in the stomach.

2. Because this?

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Is what the bugs look like, oh, dear lord. I’m sorry for shoving a gigantic spider in your face, but this is what I encountered – nay, nearly walked through oh my god – on my way to work one morning. The bugs here are ludicrous, and they’re everywhere. This spider is also probably one of the least offensive bugs I’ve encountered. Yeah. Think about that.

3. Because this?

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Is what a lot of the cars look like. I just… I can’t fathom why anyone would do this to a car. I’m not that into my car. I only want to spend money to keep my car going, not paint it sparkle dinosaur green and pump up the tires until they barely fit. People here are obsessed with their cars. They like their cars more than I think I have ever liked anything in my entire life. I don’t want to share this for fear you’ll judge me for being in the same general vicinity, but I’ve also seen a car painted with Scooby Doo, and a car painted with Sponge Bob. Who would do that? Also, you’ll be happy to know that the car right next to it? Under the cover? Looks exactly like this one. Twinsies.

4. Because this?

Is what a lot of the people look like. And it makes me cry. Because I am one of those people with the giant hat and the SPF 50 if I am even thinking about looking at the sun. I am terrified of skin cancer and this is walking skin cancer. And it’s everywhere. Everywhere. So much so that I even had a dream where overly tan people were trying to convince me to join their scary melanoma club.

5. Because Hurricane Isaac is coming to get me. And I know, it’s not a hurricane yet. But it will be. And I don’t care if the people around here are telling me, “Oh, it’s just a category one.” JUST A CATEGORY ONE. JUST 80 MPH WINDS. OH OKAY. LET’S ALL TO GO THE BEACH. Fingers crossed I don’t get blown away. Even though it’s more likely I’ll have a significant psychotic break from the stress of the build up to all this hurricane nonsense.

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8 Responses to “Why I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever fit in in South Florida”

  1. squirrel circus August 24, 2012 at 10:25 am #

    I love this post! So funny. We have an orb-weaving spider (his fat butt differentiates him from your FL spider) that likes to set up a gigantic web right ACROSS our front walk. I live in constant fear that I will forget and walk right into him!

    • Cally August 24, 2012 at 11:43 am #

      I would be afraid of that, too. But also unable to remove him because I only feel I can end them if they breech protocol and come into my home.

      • squirrel circus August 24, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

        Yes…that would be the line drawn in the sand…

      • Cally August 24, 2012 at 8:04 pm #

        I think it’s our sympathy that will be the death of us when the bugs do rise up.

  2. Nikki August 24, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

    oh dear! You’re homesick that’s all. It will pass! do you love the weather though?

    • Cally August 24, 2012 at 8:04 pm #

      The weather, when not wishy washy with impending hurricane, is pretty awesome.

  3. Kimberly Montgomery (@_Kimberly_M) August 24, 2012 at 7:41 pm #

    I’ve never been to Chicago…but so want to go. I totally get why your FL skyline is sad in comparison.

    • Cally August 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm #

      It’s really probably not very fair of me to even make comparisons.

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