The Current State of Affairs

3 Nov

I prattled on randomly (two things that often describe me, prattling and rambling) about my parents separation, but that was all What Had Happened, and very little What Is Happening.

My relationship with my father is… better. Before we would mostly talk through my mother, his and byes and love yous. He really, really hates the phone, so we’d catch up whenever I’d get a visit home in. Now he’s forced to speak with me directly, we talk about once a week. It’s actually… wonderful. Considering.

My relationship with my mother is… nonexistent now. I don’t know what to do with it, and I don’t know that it’s my job. We used to talk 1-2 times a week. After she made her announcement, I tried to keep that up. I did. I would still call. I would talk about benign things, my dogs, work, Husband, wedding plans. I would talk. She would listen. Then she would tell me she had nothing to say because she doesn’t do anything other than work at sit at home. Which would piss me off. (See aforementioned, bored, never do anything, etc.) So I would then end the call.

She would never, ever call me. She began to only contact me herself through Facebook and texts. I called her on her birthday, I called her on mother’s day.¬† She did not call me on my birthday. She wished me a happy birthday on Facebook. Facebook! Before she would always call, wake me up, sing happy birthday. I felt scorned.

I felt like I was the one who did something wrong. Like I was the one who left and was trying to forge a relationship with my surly teenager. It’s frustrating. I am not the parent. I am receptive to repairing our relationship, but I am not going to bust my ass over it. If she does not have time for me, if she does not have anything to say to me, I am not making that my problem.

Which means we haven’t spoken – calls, texts, Facebook, smoke signals, ESP – since my wedding.

Which was August.

This is… sad. As it stands, however… I don’t care to fix it. Am I holding a grudge? I don’t know. Maybe. But I just can’t keep putting myself out there and getting shut down. It can only happen so many times before it makes you permanently bitter. And I don’t want that.

I don’t think I do, anyway.

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