I’m a bitch and that’s okay

7 Nov

I’m just not a friendly person. Not in the way that people think of when they go to the word “friendly.” I’m horribly, painfully, stupidly awkward when it comes to small talk. I don’t know what constitutes polite conversation. I wonder if people are really bonding over comments about the weather or the weekend plans.

In high school, I would go out of my way to avoid people I know if I didn’t have an advanced plan on what to say to them in the hallway. I would take another route, I would walk behind taller people, I would avoid eye contact. Pretend not to see you. It’s (mostly) not because I don’t like you. It’s because I don’t currently have anything to say I think will interest you. So I don’t feel like wasting our time. I spent way too much time orchestrating my interactions with people, making plans, trying to optimize everything, tearing it all apart after and checking where it went wrong. On an additionally compulsive note, I can still remember, word-for-word, conversations I thought “went wrong” because I played it back so much. This is space that could be dedicated to better pursuits (like cookie recipes) being wasted.

So, a few years ago, I stopped. I don’t go out of my way to talk to people. I say “hello” and I’m basically done. People definitely think I’m a horrible person because of that. I notice when people turn chilly towards me after too many “snubs”, I know what people say to others about me. I should be more upset by this, but I’m not. I’m actually all kinds of in love with it at this point. If people don’t expect me to do these things, then I don’t have to. I am so much more comfortable on a daily basis because I don’t have to engage in the endless planning and post-game battery anymore.

It’s not that I don’t want to be social, don’t want friends, don’t want to have fun. I do. I want to do all those things and more, with a purpose. If we have a topic we wish to mutually discuss, I am all over that. I’ll talk until I’m blue in the face. I just don’t want to waste either of our times with nonsense.

Weird? Yeah. It is. But I never claimed to be anything but.

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