I miss liking music

9 Nov

The older I get the more I think that music-listening was invented specifically for teenagers. I find myself struggling to identify with anything produced after 2003. This is especially weird, because until 1997 I was pretty sure it was still 1979, musically. I’m still embarrassed when I think about how confused I was when Kurt Cobain died and everyone was mourning him. Who? I said. No, I was not popular in school. How did you guess?

I would spend hours in high school listening to music. It just seemed like every song spoke to my exact level of angst. I thought music was crying out for my attention specifically. Certain songs would come on and it would seem like serendipity. I remember very clearly driving home sobbing at 3 AM after the end of my first relationship. I cranked up the radio hoping for a distraction, only to be met by Michelle Branch’s “Goodbye to You.” I had to pull over to avoid certain death, I couldn’t see through my tears. The song followed me for days after that. Sixteen is a difficult time. It’s not even a good song.

Perhaps that’s why music is less appealing now. I’m not (as) egotistical. I am well aware that the music is not for me. It’s for the person who wrote it. It can definitely appeal to me. But it is not some sort of cosmic force scoring my life. Which sort of takes the fun out of it. I have been trying. I attempt to seek out new, popular music. Except now I’m approaching it like a science project. Do I like this? What do I like about this? What would I prefer to avoid in my future musical choices? What should I seek out? Am I feeling any emotion here at all?

Nothing can take the fun out of something faster than science can.


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