I feel boring

15 Nov

I’m starting to think that when people “grow up,” they don’t go through any real personality changes. They don’t mature. They mellow. They become tired. More like faded versions of who they used to be. They lose the spark, the sizzle. This view is entirely because I am in a bad mood, of this I sure .

I was generally a miserable person as a teenager. (I know, who isn’t.) I was conniving, sneaky, underhanded. I had few legitimate loyalties. I was a gossip and a shit-starter but quiet and awkward so no one really caught on. And when they caught on, I moved on. I had high hopes and impossible dreams that I believed would come true with an insane ferocity that  bordered on obsession. I lived and died on the opinions of others. There was always a drama, always a crisis, always an adventure. Looking back, it seems like things were just always… happening. But I hated myself.

Now, I’m considerate and polite if neurotic. I have a 9-to-5 job that would make 16 year old me roll her eyes with an exaggerated yawn just to make sure she got her point across. I’m practical, I make spreadsheets and organize things. I have an exercise routine and watch what I eat and do housework and have the lamest desire ever to reupholster a couch. I have dogs to take care of and people who depend on me. For all intents and purposes, I am an Adult an has her shit mostly together. On a whole, things are going wonderfully for me. I’m happy most of the hours of most of the days. There just seems to be… less happening. More empty space. More staring off into the distance looking for something I might have left behind.

Sometimes I’m hit unexpectedly with the fact that I’m so, so boring. I’m nearly embarrassed I’m not living a more entertaining life. Entertaining to who? I really wish I knew. I wonder if other people experience this weird combination of restlessness and contentedness. I feel like I can hear the opportunities closing their doors and I walk by. That as I get older my world is becoming uncomfortably narrow. I can’t tell if it’s just how it is, getting older, or a real cause for concern.

I guess I was just expecting to live life a little louder.


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