Five Things I Have No Hope of Understanding Ever

20 Nov

1. My incessant need to chop off my hair once I begin to like it – I feel it’s a cycle most women repeat. Chop of your hair, cry. Grow your hair out, get bored. Chop off your hair, cry. I just don’t look good with short hair. I look best with longer hair with side swept bangs. I know this. I’ve known this for about… eight years. Except I always think this time is going to be different. What do I think has changed? I never know. But I get this feeling that my hair is boring, quit boring everyone, and I chop it all off. And I instantly hate it. What do I think is so wrong with finding your right haircut and sticking with it? It’s not like I’m rocking mall bangs.

2. Apartments where cats are allowed and dogs are not – I don’t know why cats are allowed in apartments in general. Cats pee on things and you can’t get it out even with bleach, so they keep peeing on it. They scratch walls and carpet. They are so capable of so much more damage, on a whole,  than dogs. So what gives? And when dogs are allowed, it’s small dogs. Again, on average, the smaller the dog – the higher the energy level. So again, they’re likely do more damage than my lab mix- who sleeps peacefully in sunbeams when no one is actively engaging him in play.

3. Why they started putting icing on Dunkin Donut’s pumpkin muffins – Dunkin Donuts has the perfect pumpkin muffins. They’re sweet, they’re soft. I dream about them in the summer. Except now they’ve started glopping this hardened icing on top. It’s unnecessary and it’s overkill and they don’t even put it on in a way that looks pretty. Sad for me.

4. People who insist on putting straws in Starbucks hot drinks – I don’t understand where this started. I barely want to know. All I know is it says right on the wrapper that it is not for use in hot beverages. Do people not see that? Is your need to drink through a straw so fierce that you lose the ability to read? Does no one think that maybe the plastic isn’t safe for use at certain temperatures? Just me?

5. The appeal of Keanu Reeves – I don’t get it. Maybe it’s irrational of me, but I really cannot stand Keanu Reeves. Maybe it’s my fault. The first thing I really saw him in was Much Ado About Nothing. I do not think that Shakespeare is his forte. I suspect that he tricked you all into liking him with Bill and Ted – which I had not seen prior, and refuse to see to this day. The Matrix has put me to sleep on three separate occasions. If I saw him walking down the street, I’d have to push him into the bushes on principle.


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