Adrift

30 Nov

I am very lucky to have a job. I know this. However, I am feeling an overwhelming sense of… the only word that comes to mind is HATE-HATE-HATE-STABBY-BURNING-HATE. I try to think of more eloquent words to use to describe the situation, but that’s all that flashes across my mind when I reach for something. I feel an overwhelming sense of dread at work. The mornings are hell. I literally count down the minutes until I have to be there and work. The days themselves are an endless amount of countdowns. How long until I can legitimately get up to use the bathroom, how much longer til lunch, how many minutes until 5 PM. At 5:01PM, I am the happiest that I have been all day, because it is the longest amount of time between ending work and returning to work.

Part of it is the atmosphere at work. It’s sort of… high pressure. I’m not a neurosurgeon or anything important, anyone who could actually make that statement with credibility. However, every minute of my day is micromanaged. Management has their ways of keeping tabs, and if it looks like I’m not working, I’m asked to please get back to work. Except their record keeping… is not exact. So I’m often asked to return to work while working. It’s frustrating. I guess it’s confusing to explain without concrete examples, but I’m nearly having a panic attack just thinking about it now.

I am the type of person who wants to do well. I want to please people, I want to be a good person. I am a hard worker. I don’t want to brag, but I blow most other people out of the water when it comes to productivity and Getting Shit Done. At this and nearly every other job I’ve had, from waitress to shop girl to whatever. I always want to be moving, I hate being idle, I hate wasting time. I have an overwhelming fear of authority and getting into trouble. Yet, I watch other people wander around, chit-chat, take cigarette breaks. I wonder, are they feeling the pressure? Does it just not matter to them? We’re both here and gainfully employed, so why do I feel like a greyhound chasing the bunny when they seem to be getting by by doing a lot less? I’ve often felt taken for granted in many jobs. We know Cally will get all this done, so lets push it all on her, because Various Other Loafing Employees will fail us. Which is all fine and good for them and the loafers, but puts me right out in the cold.

I went to school for six years and got two degrees to work in this field. Lots of tests, lots of money, lots of lost time. I loved school. I loved my internship. I really want to hope that it’s just this job, in particular, that I’m burnt out on and not the whole idea of the field entirely. I’d really hate to have invested so much to walk away from it all. And walk away to what, for that matter? I have no idea what else I’d do, what might be better. I got this job after 100+ applications and months of unemployed torture. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to do, more tangentially related. I’m still lucky a thousand times over, with the way things are now, that I have a job. Just because I’m lucky doesn’t mean I have to be happy with it, though.

I feel like the jump to something better is just around the corner. I just have to leap. But who in their right mind would make any leaps at a time like this?

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