Grandiose Delusions

23 Jan

I’ve been living in a fantasy land recently.

Even more so than usual, I mean.

Things have become overwhelming. I’m consolidating my student loans which feels akin to signing my life away. Probably because it is signing my life away. I’m (We’re) trying to make a decision about what state to live in which seems at once too far away to worry about and too close to handle. Work is overwhelming and I’m an odd combination of discontent and happy there. The weather is getting to me, I miss sunshine and fresh air and exercise that isn’t in front of my television. The anxiety is at an all-time high.

So I’ve become even more entrenched in daydreams, obsessed with what can’t be right now. For example, one of the distractions I’ve funneled my attention into is buying a house. I’ve spent hours researching, dreaming, planning. But it’s become more than just oh what a pretty dream. I’ve gotten… intense with it. I’ve saved listings. I’ve bought books about buying houses, read them, made notes. Nearly every television show I watch is house-buying themed. I’ve narrowed it down, perhaps bookmarked potential decorating options corresponding to each choice. Maybe made note of a few projects. Maybe wandered the Home Depot a few times. Contemplated creating a fake email to contact some real estate agents.

The important thing to keep in mind here is we are nowhere near in any situation that would support this nonsense.

That’s okay, though, I have a delusion for that one too.

We’re going to Las Vegas in a few weeks for a vacation. So of course I’ve concocted a fantasy where we win some crazy buttload of money. We can pay off all our bills and buy a cute little house. I’ve made many imaginary budgets on how it would work out. We’d obviously still keep our jobs, to avoid such fate as the people on those E! lottery winner specials. We’d be responsible, if there were grades on money winning we’d get an A. I know this all sounds innocent, but the important part to keep in mind is how seriously I take this. How many times I’ve gone over it. So many, that when I thought about a bill coming up, I literally thought to myself “Oh, I’m going to be so happy when we can pay that off with the Vegas money.”

This is not healthy. I have put this story so far into my brain, given it so many nuances and details that I’m actually starting to accept it as fact. It literally comes to mind as true, all on its own. It’s all the more crushing when I realize it’s all a dramatic lie, and yes, I really do have to pay that bill with my real money.

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2 Responses to “Grandiose Delusions”

  1. Nikki January 24, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

    You crack me up!
    I get on kicks where I do this and create my own fantasy land. Then I realize it’s not going to happen and I’m sad for a while.
    I’m thinking of consolidating my student loans too – just dreading the process.

    • Cally January 24, 2012 at 10:50 pm #

      It’s a horrible process, and they definitely try to make it as difficult as possible. I’m glad I did it though, its going to make everything much easier going forward. There was no way I was going to be able to keep track of them the way they were.

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