So you’ve decided to move to Florida: A primer

27 Feb

1. Freak the fuck out. Maybe ignore the whole thing for a few days. Preferably with your blankets pulled over your head. Bonus points if you can coax at least one dog to come with you for comfort. Triple word score if you bring cookies.

2. Compile a comprehensive list of demographics for different areas, including age breakdowns, percent of empty homes, number of people below the poverty line, etc. Realize none of it matters because you’re just going to live where ever you can afford, which is likely the opposite of what looks best compared to these numbers.

3. Compile a new, more ominous spreadsheet of crime statistics, courtesy of City Data website. Become vaguely terrified at how most of these areas have higher crime rates than the average score City Data gives to America. Briefly contemplate a spreadsheet comparing costs of different forms of self-defense.
3a. Get the bright idea to add Chicago to the list for comparison’s sake. Weep openly and wonder how you’ve managed to survive the apparent death trap that is this city for five years. Theorize that it probably has something to do with the delicious pizza. Contemplate ability to be able to stay in apartment until moving day. Return to blanket fort for a few days. Bring at minimum two dogs, chips, and cookies.

4. Wildly inform every person you know you’re moving so you can’t back out. Post it on Facebook, tell strangers on the street, perhaps hire a sky writer. Whatever you need to do to ensure you are locked in. This is more important than getting an apartment or coordinating your move, as you are much more motivated by potential embarrassment than potential monetary loss.

5. Somehow, by some cruel twist of fate, accidentally stumble onto this guy’s website. Return to blanket fort. You’re going to need to get a third dog, and a whole lot of donuts. Don’t come out til 2015.


3 Responses to “So you’ve decided to move to Florida: A primer”

  1. Nikki February 27, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

    Did the miss the post on why you’re moving?

    • Cally February 27, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

      Nope. I’ve bypassed explaining myself and gone straight to the crazy.

      • Nikki February 28, 2012 at 8:04 am #

        Haha I do that every now and then as well. I’ve always had good experiences with Florida! Good luck!

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