Glass ketchup bottles are what’s wrong with America today. I don’t think I need to tell you how difficult it is to get ketchup out of those bottles. All I want to do is eat my fries while they’re still hot. But instead I’m locked in an epic struggle with your bottles of ketchup. I shake it before I open it. I shake it over the plate. I bang on the end. I literally throw my whole body into it, bouncing up and down in my stupid seat with absolutely no ketchup ending up on my plate. So I bounce and I shake it and I’m straining and my arm is getting tired and I’m sorry but I really hope no one is watching me, because all I can think about is the fact this is all very similar to certain activities taking places behind closed doors. Or in the backs of cars, if you’re in high school.
Additionally, I’m nearly sure I read something sometime saying that 87% of glass ketchup bottles contain Ebola and the bubonic plague, due to people not being able to access their ketchup. See, this article (which I’m sure I read in a super-scientific journal of science and not Cosmo) said that people get frustrated and use their butter knives to get the precious ketchup out. And these people (who were apparently raised in barns by wolves and aliens) will then lick said knife and put it back in the bottle. So by having glass ketchup bottles you’re basically telling me you want me to make out with every disease-infested guest that has ever wandered through your doors.
What’s that you say? Oh, you change out the ketchup bottles so at most I’m only making out with three to four losers max when I eat my french fries? Oh, no. No, no, no. I’m on to you. Because I know you don’t replace those vessels of disease. No, you refill them (probably with an off-brand ketchup, but that’s a whole ‘nother story). Also, you don’t refill them when they’re empty, because heaven forbid we see a nearly empty ketchup bottle. So you refill when they’re half gone. Ketchup is basically rotting, festering, because you’re adding new ketchup to old ketchup and it’s never a full ketchup replacement. Ketchup is not like blood. It’s not self-cleaning.
The answer to all of your ketchup problems? The super awesome red-colored squeeze bottles. We never see half-empty ketchup grossness. I don’t have to think about hand jobs when I’m dressing up my hamburger. No one needs to shove their knives in and infect the bottles. When I see these red bottles on my table, I nearly break out in song. It’s way, way too rare an occasion though. I need more of you on board.
Please, hear my plea and change your evil ways.
I am not afraid to take this all the way up to the pope of Heinz Ketchup Company if need be.