Someone needs to take my twitter away from me

5 Mar

Twitter is not good for my mental stability. It’s not that I’m over sharing, or posting embarrassing things or drunken things. The problem is the ability to follow celebrities. I’ve always had a not-so-secret obsession with gossip sites and magazines. It helps me pass time, it gets my mind off of things when I need a break from the never-ending hamster wheel of anxiety. We’re also very much a celebrity news/gossip driven culture, so it helps me feel connected to people if I can know the things they want to bring up during idle chatter time.

However, I don’t like having this direct line into the absolute mundane details of celebrities lives. Sure, sure, I’m sure a lot of them are manned by someone the celebrity hired to be the Official Twitter-er and Dog Walker or something. For example, I don’t expect the tweets from Barack Obama to be the President. That’s just crazy talk. People like Jenna Fischer or Angela Kinsey from The Office, though. Busy Phillips. Celebrity chefs like Anne Burrell and Michael Symon. When I have these people showing up in my updates, being adorable and normal and funny as hell, I get confused. First, I start to think “Oh, wow, we’d make fantastic friends. Jenna Fischer also appears to love nail polish and bad television.” I learn Michael Symon has dogs and is quitting smoking. Michael Ian Black appears to have a ridiculous amount of time on his hands and an endless amount of things to say. I can understand that.

Then, when I know too much about these people, in ways that appear to be gleaned directly from them, I begin to over-identify and think we’re friends. I start to reference the things I’ve learned from their Twitter feeds in real life conversations. Husband thinks a whole bunch of new people got hired at work, and I let him think it so as to keep a lid on how far off the deep end I’ve gone. (Though we’ve been together for seven years now, so it’s likely the cats out of the bag on the level of crazy I bring to the table.)

The next step in this process is likely attempting to get their attention though @replies, and then probably ill-advised plane tickets and well-advised restraining orders. I don’t have the kind of money for the court fees I am likely to rack up. Which begs the question – and the real point for all of this – do you think Twitter could be named as a co-defendant in any impending lawsuits I may incur?


3 Responses to “Someone needs to take my twitter away from me”

  1. Nikki March 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm #

    I completely fall into this trap too! I can’t help but to partially believe this tweets are really from Adam Levine or whoever my current obsession is.

  2. squirrel circus March 7, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

    Put DOWN the “Map to the Stars’ Homes”…that’s it, just back away, and no one has to get hurt….

    • Cally March 7, 2012 at 9:56 pm #

      It’s too late. I feel my fate in stalking celebrities has already been written, and I’m just waiting to live it out.

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