I probably hate your kid’s name

10 Apr

I wonder if I would feel differently if I had a more common name. If I were an Elizabeth, or a Jennifer or a Jessica. I think I’ve possibly met two other people in my entire life with my name. I still feel like I would never be able to get behind some of the things that people are naming their children, even if my name were Sarah Smith. Raiden? Petal? Apple? Blue? Did we reach the limit of children we can name Emily or Joshua?

I also get concerned about the people who take traditional names and make the spelling super-snowflake special. All you’re doing when you name your kid Jayecub is dooming them to a life of teachers pausing and people rolling their eyes and a possible date with a judge the minute they turn 18. Jessyicka isn’t adorable, it’s painful. Riyelyeeigh isn’t going to thank you, she/he is probably not even going to be able to spell their name by age forty.

I’m not saying we should all be named off the top ten list. I mean seriously, if I hear of one more Bella/Jacob/Edward I may poison myself just to escape. (Seriously, stop naming your children after Twilight.) There are a multitude of lovely names out there. We don’t need to start naming babies Facebook and Like and Doorknob. Or one of the seven thousand variations of Aiden. Select a family name, a popular name from a bygone year you or your baby aren’t from. A less popular modern name. Don’t just walk into your kitchen and name your baby the first thing you see. Poor Ladle will never hear the end of it at school. Especially if you spell it Layedelle.

I guess it’s rude of me. I mean, who the hell came up with Cally? (The Greeks, btw.) And I understand your child is super precious and awesome and wonderful and you want to impart all of the awesome wonderful special feelings you have for them into them, make them stand out and be unique and successful and wonderful. No want wants their child to fade into the background and embody mediocrity. I implore you, though. Let your child be super awesome for who they are, what they turn into, and not some ridiculous moniker that they’ll at the least adopt some nick name for, at the most possibly reject all together.

No one ever looked at Steve Jobs and said, “Gee, I like what this guy has to say, but did we really need another Steve in the world?”

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9 Responses to “I probably hate your kid’s name”

  1. The Waiting April 10, 2012 at 10:14 pm #

    Alright, so this obviously resounds with me, having actually named someone in the last 12 days. You are right; naming a child seems to be a lost art. The last few names I’ve heard people actually give to their offspring are particularly boring/heinous. Oh yeah, I’ll judge. We’ve been sitting on Miss C’s name for years and years so I’m confident that she got a good name that is original but timeless and pretty all wrapped into one. I couldn’t sleep at night if we gave her a dud name. Come to think of it, I can’t really sleep at night these days, but I’m choosing to believe it has nothing to do with her moniker.

    • Cally April 11, 2012 at 9:08 am #

      See, I like hearing you had a whole process and tons of thought went in. I think the people who give weird names are probably the same people who get tattoos of nyan cat stabbing keyboard cat or whatever. Lack of foresight.

  2. Mrs. Monologues April 11, 2012 at 8:06 am #

    Oh my goodness, this is so true. So many weird names floating around. When we have kids the names we choose are meaningful to us, but will also sound okay when they are older. My husband loves the name Connor (I know, it is like a Steve Name), and I love the name Charlie for a girl. I love girls that have boy names. Yes, but if my name was apple or something stupid, I would hate myself.

    • Cally April 11, 2012 at 9:10 am #

      Charlie for a girl is all kinds of adorable. I’m fine with gender bending names, because at the heart of it, they’re still real names.

  3. Nikki April 11, 2012 at 8:42 am #

    This is hilarious! I HATE the Jacob/Edward/Bella names that I’ve been seeing lately, come on. But then again, I’m really a Nicole – just go by Nikki – and every other girl born within the 80’s has the middle name Nicole. Gag! I hate weird spellings of names too. Like Mrs. monologues, I’m a big fan of boy’s names for girls.I actually knew a girl named Charlie once and she was precious!

    • Cally April 11, 2012 at 9:14 am #

      Yeah Nicole was a super popular middle name in the 80s. I guess its better than being a popular first name, though? At least you’re not named Feather or Floor Tile. Though I guess Floor Tile is really a better name for a boy anyway.

  4. Natalie@FourJedis April 11, 2012 at 8:47 am #

    I hate weird spellings. I’m not sure the point of it… I also can’t stand “ee” for an “ie” or “y” sound. What’s the point? Love your blog, even if you probably would hate one of my kids’ names…. honestly I wasn’t sure I liked it either.

    • Cally April 11, 2012 at 9:06 am #

      It’s a lot harder to hate something once you attach a cute kid to it. I’m sure it’s fine. 🙂

  5. scpardieck13 April 11, 2012 at 10:31 am #

    UM totally agree with you. Among my friends there are at least 2 dozen kids whose names rhyme with Aiden… and I’m pretty sure they all start with a different consonant and that’s difficult because there aren’t 24 consonants to be had. By the way, a best friend of my growing up was Cally. 🙂

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