Things I Learned On My Never-Ending Car Trip

7 May

1. Indiana sucks. The only thing cool in Indiana is those energy windmills. And after a while, those get sort of intimidating. Just row after row of windmills. Watching you. Waiting for their chance. Sort of like the children of the corn.

2. Kentucky is pretty. I feel this is a secret America’s kept pretty well hidden. It’s all green and hilly and generally pleasant to look at. There’s a lot of signs advertising bourbon tours, as well, but I guess that would be cool if you were into bourbon.

3. Tennessee is terrifying. I knew, intellectually, that Tennessee had mountains. I also knew I would be driving through Tennessee. I did not, however, put together beforehand that I would have to drive through mountains. They sort of sneak up on you, too. You’re all oh, Kentucky, what pretty hills you have, then all of a sudden it’s Tennessee and you’re working very hard to keep your car from careening out of control over the edge into nothingness, wondering how in the hell something that sounded as little as a 6% grade can ruin your life, trying very hard not to think about those runaway semi truck ramps and if they actually work or if really they just launch the trucks into the air. The only plus side is Tennessee smells inexplicably good. Like I wanted to roll down the windows and stick my head out. There must be some flower in abundance there that makes it so pleasant, but whatever it is, I don’t want to know. It would be like finding out how hot dogs are made.

4. Georgia sort of smells like Tennessee. Except with the volume turned up. So like Tennessee’s older, uglier sister who’s trying too hard and put on too much perfume. Sort of like whatever magic flowers exist in Tennessee became mutated by Georgia. I rolled up the windows for Georgia.

5. Total insanity sets in around hour ten. I was talking to myself, responding, laughing at nothing. Dancing and singing loudly in an attempt to keep myself awake. Possibly hallucinating gremlins. However, if you’ve driven 14 hours the day before, total insanity sets in at minute one.

6. I can, in fact, get sick of junk food. I want nothing to do with fast food chicken sandwiches for a while. See also, french fries. I cannot, however, get sick of breakfast sandwiches in any form.

7. It’s possible to see the skylines of Chicago, Indianapolis, Louisville, Nashville, and Atlanta in one day. Which is sort of a cool trip, but you can’t do anything except wave at any of the cities.

8. You are not granted oranges the minute you walk into Florida. Also, it took me forever to find a palm tree. I call shenanigans.

9. Butts can, indeed, fall asleep. I thought that was a privilege saved especially for appendages. I was wrong. So very wrong.

10. Florida is one long-ass state. Which is especially sad when you’ve spent the past two days clinging to a sliver of sanity in your car. I became insanely excited the minute we entered Florida. It was a false sense of completion though, because we were really nowhere near where we needed to be. I have made you a pie chart of time spent in each state.

As you can see, that Florida pie wedge is stupid big. If you were picking a slice to eat, you’d want that one. That pie wedge trampled on all my hopes and dreams. Luckily, I plan on never driving ever again in life. Fingers crossed teleportation is invented soon.

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4 Responses to “Things I Learned On My Never-Ending Car Trip”

  1. Nikki May 7, 2012 at 8:13 pm #

    You are so funny! I think people are often surprised by the actual meeting of mountains in Tennessee. You are a braver woman than I because i could not make a car trip like that, I’m a baby when it comes to car rides.

    • Cally May 7, 2012 at 9:50 pm #

      If I had known before hand, it’s likely I would have looked into something else. I definitely didn’t have my brave face on, while I was sweating through my clothes and telling the dogs we were probably going to die. But its over! Until I have to do it again! Which we’ll pretence is not even a remote possibility!

  2. Sarah Pardieck (@NoticeDirt) May 8, 2012 at 9:05 am #

    Those windmills are TOTALLY children of the corn. Also, I agree about Kentucky – have covered that state for years for work and it’s like a big ‘ol postcard.

    • Cally May 8, 2012 at 9:36 pm #

      Did you know that before you went there? I feel like it’s being hidden from the rest of us.

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