Performance Anxiety

11 Jul

I come to my computer with the best intentions. I don’t need to check Facebook, I know I have no email. I’m up to date on any news story that happened in the past day. I am here for a purpose, on a mission. Job search. Write cover letters. Apply. Find the next step. I bring up the web browser and all of a sudden two hours have passed and I don’t have anything to show for it except a greater knowledge of Scientology or great white sharks or cattle farming. Whatever topic I’ve managed to stumble across and distract myself with.

When I graduated, I put in over 150 applications for employment. That led to two interviews, which led to my one job. All in all, I was unemployed for four months. I know this isn’t a lot, and that some people go through a lot worse. This was a dark time for me, however. I felt so useless. They could have used me in commercials for antidepressants for how typical it all was.

I’m afraid of revisiting those feelings of uselessness and rejection, though the circumstances are different. I’m not unemployed, so I can do the whole thing at a slower pace. I can only apply for things I’m interested in, as opposed to the madcap scatter of applying to anything that remotely sounded in any way like a job I could do that was hiring. People don’t have to know about it so they won’t be asking me about my progress, forcing me to say something vague about the job market and change the subject.

Conversely, though, there’s no pressure, no impending sense of doom and destruction if I don’t get a new position. And with no external motivation, I’m unsure if my internal motivation is up to snuff. It’s just so much more comfortable to pull the blanket over my head and tell myself I’ll try again tomorrow.

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3 Responses to “Performance Anxiety”

  1. The Waiting July 12, 2012 at 7:12 am #

    Job searching is so depressing. I hate it that you’re having to go through it. But youre right, it is way less stressful if you al ready have a job. Hugs.

    • Cally July 13, 2012 at 7:03 am #

      Thanks! I think as long as I keep telling myself that, it will start to seem less bleak.

  2. scpardieck13 July 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

    I am in THE SAME EXACT PLACE! I was able to keep a couple of contracts even with moving, but need to pick up some more contracts or a part-time gig soon….and I can’t get off my butt to do it. It really is hard when the need is a little less….good luck with it. I’m gonna try to buckle down here soon too!

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